Friday, September 13, 2013

39 Weeks

Baby closet.Roughly a week is left until my due date. It’s getting harder and harder physically — my lower back hurts, I have cramps in my stomach, especially at the end of the day, and two fingers on my right hand hurt day and night (a few nights ago I even cried for a bit at 5 in the morning, because they hurt so bad and I could not fall asleep).

But it’s not my body’s state I want to write about, but rather the emotions that are running on high waves inside me.

I remember feeling anxious and excited before Arosha’s arrival. First time parents. Clueless. Now I think I have much greater anxiety building up.

I know all the babies are different, but the first few months with Arosha were just so hard, that I am worried about being able to adequately take care of two children at the same time.

How will the breastfeeding go? Is she going to want to spend hours and hours on my breast as Arosha did? Will she sleep OK or I am going to have to constantly hold her and not sleep for hours at night trying to make her fall asleep? How will Arosha react to the sharp decrease of attention that I can give him? He is such a mommy’s boy, and it will break my heart if he will become one unhappy toddler because of the new situation.

Danya’s mom helped us a lot, but she is not getting any younger, and I think her job has become more stressful and her commute is longer now. I know she’ll do what she can, but with Arosha in the picture, there is more to do this time around, so it makes things even harder.

I know Danya will help, but he works full time, and drives a lot, so he will need his sleep just as he did last time.

Danya’s dad will help too. I know he could not do much with a newborn, but now any time he’ll be able to spend with Arosha will help tremendously. I am so happy that he does not mind driving Arosha to gymnastics class every Tuesday. Arosha seems to enjoy this activity, and was asking me when he’ll go back a few times already.
My mom might come sometime in November, but we don’t even know if she’ll get a visa, so nothing is certain at this point.

I am also worried about feeling blue after giving birth. It was the case with Arosha, and I so don’t want to experience the hormonal and sleep deprivation induced downs. I am a pretty happy person over all, and feeling sad and anxious and guilty and angry is something I am not looking forward to. Maybe it’ll be different this time around, who knows.

So here I am. Waiting for our little girl’s arrival with hope and excitement, but also with a lot of worry. I know everything comes in stages and eventually I’ll get a hold on being a mother of two, but for now I can honestly say that I am a bit scared. I guess that’s normal though.
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