Today I had a moment of pure happiness. Sometimes I’m amazed of how life could point our attention to something and make us have a good hearty laugh. Now and then in our everyday routine we cease to notice how lucky we are, or how precious are moments of comprehension, of just being.

So why? Why was I so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling? It took me some time to figure that out and I’m still not sure if I got it right. But let me just tell you what happened (nothing special, really).

I was going home from work. Bus came, almost full. I took a seat by the window and started reading (I usually read on my way home to while away the time). The bus smelled just awful. I thought that some bum was nearby and tried to take shallow breaths. Then I’ve noticed a woman with 2 little kids. One she was holding in her arms and the other one - well, she was hysterical! Not in a good sense, no. She was yelling and crying and banging her head to the seat ahead of her. She wanted attention, she wanted.. I don’t know what was that she needed so badly. Her mother didn’t pay any attention, she was talking on her cell phone. And the little girl (she was about 4-5 years old) was staging her little drama show (oh, those evaluating eyes of her!). One of their relatives (apparently that was a big family on the bus) - girl about 12, tried to reason with the little one and offered her some sort of CD or mp3 player. That caught our little girl attention for about one minute, and then the show went on for another 15 minutes. Finally they arrived at their stop and left the bus. Air cleared in a couple of stops. I think that was actually one of the kids smelling so badly (bathroom issues?)… Anyway, there was another kid crying for the rest of the way, which drove our bus driver nuts (couple of comments he made led me to that conclusion). When I was about to exit the bus, I’ve noticed a beautiful Asian woman holding a beautiful Asian newborn baby. She was siting at the end of the bus and just kept smiling that special overwordly smile.

When I was walking home I couldn’t stop smiling. I tried to analyze my sudden surge of happiness and decided that I just was so relieved that those are not my children. Relieved that I could walk away from unwanted girl, from her ignorant mother, from stench, from misbehaviour, from responsibility. At the same time that Asian woman was so serene, so … glowing, she had so much love and care in her eyes that I felt a better person for a moment.

We were talking about kids with Daniel yesterday. I’m torn - one part of me wants children, another is screaming that we are not ready yet. Are we ever going to feel completely ready?

Don’t get me wrong - I can’t imagine my life without having children, I’m looking forward to it and so curious about the experience of being a parent. But at the same time I’m relieved that at this very moment I don’t have that responsibility and could be just my silly selfish self.